Ashley Barnum

I was 23 and vulnerable, just out of a year-long rehab program when I returned home from California to Illinois. I moved into a country house with my mother, father, grandmother, and great-grandmother. I was attempting a life of sobriety, which was oftentimes lonely. I then developed a relationship with an old acquaintance on Myspace. A relationship that would lead to a marriage…but that story is not this story. He told me about a place in Nashville where passionate people were doing something meaningful for the world. I eventually agreed to book a flight to Nashville.

Upon my arrival, I was welcomed with open arms. I thirsted for friendships, as I had left behind the party life for a new beginning. Maybe this was my new beginning. I was there for “Nashville Week” where once a year G.O.D. would attract new prospects with volunteer work and a pitch to enroll in the school. I fell in love with the idea of a life in service to others. I returned weeks later to enroll in The Institute. The plan was to study and train in Nashville and eventually move permanently to a community in need. I had my heart set on India, but needless to say, India never happened. 

Instead, I went to classes, learning about different cultures, the Bible, and other subjects. I was praised by Gregg. He told me God had sent me and that I was “exactly what the community needed”. He asked me into his office where he expressed that too many of the members were from pristine church backgrounds and that he was thrilled to have someone around with a sordid past and some real-life experiences under their belt. 

A pattern that began to emerge was Gregg involving himself in my relationship with my boyfriend at the time. At one point his advice to me was that my boyfriend should leave the community, and I should stay.

He boasted about my papers in class, uncomfortably comparing me to my classmates. Still, I never fully integrated into the community. I had too many questions that didn’t sit well with the leaders. When they spoke out against homosexuality I vocalized my disagreements and was scolded by my instructor. I embraced newcomers and stood up for them when they didn’t conform properly and this brought more negativity my way.

I immersed myself in work outside of the community, fell into a depression, and isolated myself. When I would reach out for help or guidance I was told of my flaws and need for repentance. They were really big on conformity and this has never been my thing. Questioning and critical thought were discouraged.

A turning point was when I called Gregg and challenged him directly. At the time, I was working double and triple shifts at Opryland Hotel. A perk of the job was free meals, so I had no reason to pay for The Institute’s food program. Gregg was angry about this and felt the need to vent about it to fellow community members. After hearing about the things he was saying I immediately reached for my phone to call him…the grown men in the room gasped at such a move. It was clear he was not a man who got called out often. He answered the phone but quickly shifted the blame in my direction. He told me I was lying, that I was inherently flawed, and needed to journal about my inadequacies. He told me I had never heard from God and never would. In some sick form of obedience, I listened and wrote down all that was detestable about me, falling into an even darker place. Not long after this I decided to leave so I wouldn’t “poison” the rest of the group. 

This was the last of three cults I was in before the age of 25. Yes, three.

Liars hijack vulnerable, well-meaning people seeking the truth who want to do something good in the world. I was under the spell of such liars for a decade and thankfully, G.O.D. was the final straw that broke that cycle—once and for all.

So much of my early life was shaped by my trusting young heart and men in positions of power who saw me and many others as something to manipulate. Men who were feeding their sense of self-importance, while simultaneously taking my money. These experiences tainted my perception of faith for the next 10 years. I detested spirituality because anything good about it bore the stench of these types of men.

Fortunately, as healing came over the years—especially these last couple—faith found me again, free from the constructs of man. I’m finding my way back to who I was as a child, full of the untainted wonder of the universe and all its possibilities. I’m recalling things ancient again, things that can’t be shaken or moved, and for that, I’m exceedingly full of gratitude and excitement to once again experience spirituality, unfiltered and untethered. 

The man who once praised me and then tried to exploit me while crushing my vulnerable heart and mind was arrested tonight for financial fraud. Seeing Gregg and Tara’s mugshots brought a sense of justice we often aren’t awarded in life. It’s been 14 years, and I’m not gonna lie, it felt good. Oh the sweet vindication, not only for myself but also for the hundreds of people who followed him and in turn lost friends and family to dedicate themselves to his cult.

I thought about what I would say to Gregg. I found his account on Instagram, with the intent of saying something…and pulled back. What is there to say? So many easy things, but as I searched for the words there was no anger to be found. It was so long ago. He and his wife posted bail and I immediately thought of the five kids they were coming home to after being released from jail. What about the kids? My heart was sad for the innocent children who were the victims of their parents' life choices of manipulation and crime. 

My mind started wandering into a place I didn’t expect. The “ideal” message I'd like to send turned into one of redemption. Even as I’m sitting here typing, I keep thinking about how I’m no different from them. I’m human. I’m capable of all that they are. But it’s all about the choices we make in life.

To be perfectly honest, when that moment of sweet revenge finally came, it wasn’t that sweet after all. For what do they have but a life built on lies? They’ve constructed a house of cards. One that quickly fell when exposed to the truth. 

Every trial, every cult, every betrayal has chipped away all of my constructs over time. Surviving each tribulation has made clear to me what is real. What is mine, is mine—no man can take that from me. It has withstood the test of time, fires, and storms. I’m full of love for Gregg and Tara. This is NOT the response I expected to have. But who the hell am I to judge? I forgive them. I hope this experience of humility draws them into the deeper parts of this existence. I hope they don’t resist it, but fall back and surrender to the waves. 

When I look back, I feel pity for the Garners. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to serve your ego and to be a slave to others deeming you as holy for all these years. One of the most beautiful lessons I’ve learned through my mistakes and shortcomings is how to admit fault, how to embrace my humanity with courage and humility. I don’t know that a true relationship can exist with another person without the ability to be humble.

People like Gregg demand compliance and utter obedience, and therefore don’t understand true love. I hope they find this, although I imagine it will take an immense amount of work to chip away at such an ego-led life.

I hope that anyone still involved or still suffering from the mental confusion of living in this cult (or any) will find the freedom that I have found. With the luxury of looking back, I am full of gratitude for it all. It’s become a funny story about that one time when I was in a cult in Nashville. It is a story that helped shaped me. A lesson learned. I will always trust that still voice inside me. I will never again place another man between myself and the Divine.

My experiences at G.O.D. helped speed up my growth process, and I discovered new depths outside of their exclusive ideology. I came to realize I didn’t need a leader because I have never been a follower.

I’m beyond thankful the light of truth is finally shining brightly on this organization. Although justice is sweet, redemption is sweeter. I’m sending love to anyone still under the grip of Gregg and Tara’s manipulation.

Freedom will cost you much, but there’s no sweeter life than when you liberate yourself from the control of another.

I pray that you find courage. Courage is contagious.